Today, I am writing because, well, I have to.
It’s like breathing. I may explode if I don’t find some way of release or expression. All I know is that something needs to get out, words that are pushing down on my ribs (wait, maybe that is Grace) and onto my heart- waiting to be released like balloons into the limitless, forgiving sky… -They will probably just eventually fall into the ocean and cause pollution and kill some beautiful creature, but hey- releasing them was really nice, anyways. ahem, moving on. They are just words, so hopefully nothing will be harmed in the process of processing.
I just recently watched the movie “The Help” again this past week or so. There is a line in the movie that keeps coming into my mind and I cant seem to help but relate to it. The main character, whose son is killed in a tragic accident says in her story:
“When my boy [Treelore] died, a bitter seed was planted inside of me- and suddenly, I just didn’t feel so accepted anymore.”
Toward the end of the movie, when her story has been written, she reflects: “No one ever asked me what if it feel[s] like to be me.”
I can relate. I know that should not define my life by tragedy, nor should I hold onto the past, but it has only been about 9 months since Isaac died.
I can hardly even write the word “died” – because it is partially untrue and I have too many negative connotations with the word. Death is not the end, and we know that. He is very much alive and thriving- But not with me. And that makes my heart grieve. I think if it was not for Grace I would have wanted to die, too. But she is my new beginning. I don’t feel the need to apologize for my honesty, and the people who choose to be close to me know that I will only begin to feel a sense of normalcy when she makes her grand entrance into the world and I can finally become what I already am- a mother.
I do have to account for all of my insane hormones also, and the possibility of lingering postpartum depression.
Can you have that even when you’re pregnant? I certainly think so. Especially after a loss.
No one can really understand unless you have been through what I have. I am not a sad person. I am not a negative person, or a solitary one. But I seem to be in this season, and I have to say I will be most relieved when I have a beautiful daughter to show off to the world and I can feel that my life has moved forward. Even that is hard, some days. Moving forward feels like leaving Isaac behind, but I know that I am closer to seeing him again everyday- and that this season wont last forever. Soon my house will be filled with baby cries and laughs and smiles and dirty diapers and lullabies. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful at the thought of changing a diaper in my life. I think it may take weeks or even months to begin to believe that she is actually mine- my girl. What a gift that no one can earn- one to be cherished unceasingly and loved unconditionally. To say I treasure her is a complete understatement and disgrace to the depth of my love for her.
All im saying is- My life is about to get rocked. I need some smiles. I need to hear my baby crying-
and I could bet a lot money that I will not be quickly irritated or impatient with taking care of a newborn baby.
I will be the last to complain about the little things. or the big things. She is almost here.
That is enough for me.
These last two months are pretty excruciating, definitely the most difficult so far, by far.
I feel like my heart may explode with anticipation- since I have been waiting for a year and a month for a baby to bring home.
I just keep myself busy, making the nursery pretty and I must say I have become quite the homemaker. weird.
And Isaac’s little headstone finally came in. (Why it took 8 months, I dont know. Dumb headstone making people.)
I took him some flowers for the fourth of July-
since July 3rd is when we found out I was pregnant with him last year- and we laughed- A lot.
It is now forever dubbed “Isaac Day.”
If you read this, bless your soul.
I am thankful for anyone and everyone who cares enough to take the time to know me in this season-
because I don’t exactly feel like being known. at least not until I get my life together- whatever that means.
waiting for Grace-
one day at a time.