Today part of my heart is wishing that I was 5 months pregnant with a swollen belly full of life. But instead, I am choosing to worship when I feel in a literal sense, empty. I have been doing really well, but today just feels hard. No beach trip with a big belly underneath my bathing suit, no full term ready-to-pop belly at Grace’s 2 year birthday party. But, She will come. At just the right time.
If you think that dreams are fascinating, you will enjoy this. And if you know me well, you’ll know that this is just how I do life with Jesus. He talks to me, I talk to him. Repeat. And Im forever thankful that he hears my voice, and that he loves me. That I am not just some number, not just a face in the crowd to him. I am not a speck on a floating cosmos out there far from significance. Im not “star dust” (yes people believe that.) I am not left alone to navigate this life that is full of challenges and heartaches. I have a Redeemer. I have a Friend. and he speaks to me.
In August, we started trying for baby #3. I was still breastfeeding so it was challenging. After a month or so, I had a dream that I was holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand. That was it, that was the entire dream. Then, a few weeks later I had a second dream. A dream that I had another daughter named “Deborah” (after the prophetess Deborah from the bible!) I was pretty confident and excited since I have always gotten my babies names in dreams before they were ever conceived. I had a dream about Isaac, a dream about Gracious while I was pregnant with Isaac, (that could be a whole other blog post!) and then these two dreams. So I figured she would be here soon.
Fast forward to Christmas and I still wasn’t pregnant. But after 5 months of trying, we finally got our positive test the first week of January and I was shocked! I was completely in awe since I had already tested days earlier and counted myself as not pregnant. Apparently I had tested too early! I wasn’t even going to test again because I was so sure that I wasn’t!
This is where it gets interesting.
I was taking a bath and I thought, “Wow. my stomach looks big. I didn’t eat that much dinner! Maybe I am pregnant….” And then I felt the Holy Spirit say, “why don’t you take a test? If its negative you can just throw it away… 🙂 ” (I could feel him grinning at that point.) As I got up out of the bath to take the test I heard yet another voice; this time even clearer. “You are pregnant, but you are going to lose this baby.”
Hmmph. “THAT cant be God” I thought. Get out of here ya devil. Right?
All my “theology” says that shouldn’t have been God. That couldn’t be God telling me that. Because God is good. and he doesn’t cause miscarriages or send sickness to people or bring death. He came to give life! And I still believe that to be true one hundred percent.
But… He does know the end from the beginning friends.
And that was his voice.
His gentle, faithful voice. speaking.
After I lost the baby on Easter morning, I knew it was Him.
It wasn’t a demon. It wasn’t in my head. It was my Father.
Ever so lovingly telling me what was to come so that I could look back with confidence
trusting that He is with me every step- That He is sovereign through it all.
And those dreams that I had last September?
In my excitement I thought that those two dreams were about the same pregnancy. But I realized in the days that followed that no..
I misinterpreted again. but still- HE SPEAKS. always always. He was speaking.
This baby that I lost… was the positive pregnancy test. Truly, thats all it ever was to me. It’s so like jesus to acknowledge this little precious life in a dream even though we’d never meet on this side of heaven. I never even knew if it was a boy or a girl, so how could it be Deborah? Ah. It wasn’t.
But I am more confident now than I have ever been that she is coming soon.
She is a promise.
And nothing can stop her from happening and existing, just like a girl named Gracious.
And I’m so thankful.
Im so thankful for the One who made a way for all of humanity to escape death’s grip
and to be delivered from all of their diseases- The One who made a way for us to be free forever from our condemnation-
The One who showed us what real love and mercy look like and gave us eternal abundant life.
I have a Redeemer. I have a Friend. and he speaks to me.